Just because you "fought hard for what you wanted" does not (a) automatically make what you now have desirable, (b) nor does it turn your story into an epic tale, (c) justify making it hard for others to get what they want and (d) necessarily mean you ought to "know" any better. Even as you might protest - "But I'm only doing my duty, do your part!" or "See what you've done! Examine the effects of your actions!" ... to the tune of the National Economy.

hurled into the world, man is set upon, and thus sets himself upon paths (of blessing and curse, victory and defeat) behind and beyond him, shaping his destiny and moving him forward. And between birth and death, Man is no more than his actions; as he prompts himself to do right and wrong things, he both prompts others and is prompted by others.

Hello, i'm back. It is the year 2013, i'm much older now. Some days I walk around in a drugged-like machined state. The ache in my limbs tender from crawling around Macirtchie does nothing for the heart, it sits in raw pain, smug; serves you right I've nothing but contempt and fierce stares for the uncoordinated heap of bones, flesh and muscle.

Look at what you've done!

It's all these addictions i feel powerless to rid myself of. And all these addictions I fall back to when the world is old and weary. But i'm no longer a teenager trapped in a bedroom lonely and scared and I'm no longer the child who stood against the wall helpless, watching horror unfold.

What has come out of all this you say? 

It's over. I've lost my faith in humanity and mankind. Evil, self-centered, judgmental, ego-obsessed creatures who prance around like they like know it all. I'm so ashamed to be part of this pack of flesh and bones; yet the human imagination revealed daily in what we call "creativity" reminds me everyday that there is hope down here, and perhaps up there too. One can never be sure, but it is in these 'leaps of faith' made on incomplete knowledge and without self-righteousness bounded by time ... towards what one wants to make of life that the human being continues on its way to becoming well, human. This is the way the human spirit transcends the facticity of life/death.

On Saturdays I take walks around Singapore with G and this usually makes my week. We walk where our conversation takes us and till our calfs ache and cry out for soda. Today the sun shone brightly in our faces, giving G a reddening tan in the wrong places. His students will surely laugh at him on Monday, I candidly informed him, forcefully handing over a blue canister of SP50+ biore sunblock. But the patriarchal old man would NOT put on his sun screen! Perhaps at the risk of incurring the wrath of some Feminist (hiak hiak!) I played the ideal good woman and squeezed a fat milky dollop onto his palm, administering instructions between giggles while he bowed awkwardly, dipping his pointy nose into the white puddle.  With our delicate muslin veils, we walked hand in hand into the gleeful rays till the sun was no more. 

When I first caught sight of the narrow fissures in the marbled flooring, I thought little of it. Daddy would fix it. He always knew how. He would get plaster from the cheapest DIY store, take down his heavy tool box from his study, wipe off the thick, gloomy layer of grime, retrieve his tools, and fix it. Daddy always said that homes needed looking after, small cracks grow into a big chasms, and people could fall into them if they were not careful. But Daddy couldn't fix this fissure, and it grew into big wide hole, like he said it would, and everyone just kept tumbling into it. 

It's the June break now and everyone is off on their holiday, seeking a new adventure away from Singapore and their teacherly duties. Then they'll return home and post bright, sparkly pictures of splendid sunsets, and romantic walks along cold cobbled corridors on Facebook for their friends to gawk at and 'like'. People don't need breaks. "Break" is another word for "escape", sometimes "breaks" are happy "goals" to look forward to, a reassurance that the pain we willingly put ourselves through will bear fruit - to ride on cliches, and find out all along that, "as cliched as this sounds", there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

While people struggle to put food on the table, I struggle over existential, frivolous things like to what extent I owe my life to myself, and to what extent, I owe my life to others and my community. Take care of yourself and your community will prosper, being responsible for yourself is to be responsible for the Other, to be responsible to but not to be responsible for ... so say the theorists, and the philosophers. Religion adds an extra dimension to the conundrum, and an extra hour of insomnia. 

But after years of battling with the paradoxes and ambiguities yet remaining faithful, I'm ready to give it up, at least part of it. When I was 17, I proclaimed that I believed only because I would very benefit from being a religious Catholic. What was there to loose?  But what I had failed to see was that people wear seat belts because they are afraid. Between 17 and 26, I read a lot of books and listened to many holy people, sought for answers that holy people couldn't answer (to my surprise), and humbled myself in ways I never ever thought I could, thanking God (the voice in my head) for the "trials that have come my way", placing my trust in Christ alone.  

But as the words in an old St Mary of the Angel's musical sings

"I have run the race without compromise, kept my focus on the prize, given all I have to give, and crossed the finish line. I've kept the faith despite the pain, sang his praise despite the chains. I glued to him like a branch clings to the vine. But is it finally Christ in me?"

Who knows?

feeling motivated!

I'm back here!! 

goodbye!

here

I really couldn't think of any better title and this blog was getting too whiny. So I started yet another new one.